Archive for May, 2014

Solid Attachments

Saturday, May 31st, 2014

Today I went to work all day, from 08:00 until 18:30 and it was a long day….not least because I missed my daughter so much it hurt! I couldn’t wait to get home to her, from about 09:00! And I rushed to get home to get once I’d finished for the day.

As I walked through the door and shouted hello she heard me and shouted “mummy” back and came running to me for the biggest hug. It was glorious and heart warming! She “squiggled” (touched with wiggly fingers) my face for ages while I held her there in my arms.

We then watched her play for about half an hour with her dolls house where Jack decided he wanted to be and climbed in! She LOVED that! And when he got out she shouted “Jack Jack!” for him to come back and get back in! He did come back and she tried to push him in, gently, and we were laughing our heads off while Jack just stood patiently wondering what on earth was going on being pushed gently while she grunted like she was pushing a ten ton truck! Eventually he gave in and crawled in again and happily sat in there while Pickle posted stuff to him through the door!

I miss her every time I’m not with her now. Our connection, after only 9 months, is staggering! I enjoy watching her and being with her every single second of every single day. I listen to her, respect her choices, she talks to me and tells me exactly what she wants.

She listens to my explanations of why we have to do things or why she can’t do something or what’s going to happen in the day. She understands everything I say to her and I understand (almost) everything she says to me. She communicates amazingly well her needs, feelings and how she views and experiences situations.

I am head over heels in love with my beautiful daughter and I feel so proud of her. She’s happy, content,  independent, confident, fun loving, silly, kind, gentle, bonkers, crazy, sweet, affectionate, beautiful, amazing, brilliant, clever, bright, sharp, feisty…I could go on and on!

How is it possible to love her more than I do now! My heart is full!

It Must Be Love, Love, Love

Tuesday, May 27th, 2014

4 weeks earlier…….

We were out, Daddy P and I, for his birthday and I suddenly realised something….that I missed our daughter.

She was being looked after by Nanny and PaPa so I knew she was happy, safe, secure, loved and was having the time of her life so it wasn’t worry and it wasn’t anxiety so the feeling threw me. I always thought I missed her when I wasn’t with her but this felt different. I suddenly realised that what I had probably been feeling was actually attachment anxiety. That feeling of “am I doing the right thing by leaving her with anyone but me and Daddy P” and “what if I’m damaging the attachment between us we’ve worked so hard to achieve”? I’d always felt that tight knot in my chest as I left her with my mum and dad (the only people we ever leave her with apart from each other) not because of their capabilities but just intense attachment anxiety.

But while we sat having lunch and I said to Daddy P “I really miss Pickle being here” I knew in that moment that I loved her, that I’d do anything for her and that she was our daughter. It’s very very hard (in fact impossible) to say at the time “I don’t miss her” or “I don’t love her” because you think you do, and we did. We loved her from the moment we set eyes on her but it would be odd to say it was a deep love because, for most people, that just doesn’t happen. The guilt then that comes with that is profound and heartbreaking.

But here I was, in the middle of a restaurant wishing our daughter was with us, we missed her and she actually felt like our daughter. It was an amazing realisation and one that was quite mind blowing. And I felt happier than I had in a very long time. I felt more relaxed and more connected to her.

It’s hard to admit when things aren’t quite as expected at the time and, in fact you don’t admit it. But when the time comes that you suddenly realise you are totally and utterly and head over heels in love it hits you like a happy juggernaut out of nowhere, BOOM!

Love! Nothing more, nothing less, love is the best.

Weathering the Storm

Thursday, May 22nd, 2014

The deafening sound of writer’s block had got too loud for me and tonight it’s forced me back on to get things down in writing

After watching another (very good) adoption programme it reminded me of how important it is to write as much down as I possibly can for Pickle to read in the future. I’m writing her diary for her so she knows exactly when and how things happened and if I don’t keep that up how will I remember everything to tell her in the future. Stories are often lost from generations and Pickle’s story is too important to let go of and resign to the back of our memories where they may be, at some point, lost forever from her.

I’d stopped writing because things got so bad. I’m not going to go in to it on here. I was, initially. And a while back I started, several times, writing a blog about how bleak I felt but I just kept deleting it knowing that the instinct of not wanting to share should be listened to. All I’ll say on the matter is this; PMT, exacerbated by the change in our lives, post adoption depression and intense anxiety. That sums up January, February, March and a bit of April up and I want to forget it. I got help, the end.

I only managed to write about our first holiday in March because I knew how incredibly important it was to write it down while it was fresh in my mind. And we did have a wonderful time….but the anxiety was there all the time. Basically I was wrapping myself in knots and applying so much pressure on myself it had become unbearable and, quite frankly, emotionally unsustainable.

But 8 weeks ago that all started to change and I started feeling positive, happy, attached to Pickle, content, excited again and that something quite fundamental was happening.

I had started to love my daughter.

First Family Holiday

Friday, May 16th, 2014

At 02:30 on the morning of Friday 9th May the alarm goes off and pierces through the dark cosy slumber of “fast asleep” or, in my case, “dead to the world”

We were heading to Mousehole on our very first family holiday with both sets of grandparents and Pickle’s Uncle. We’d packed the car up the night before, locked the car behind the gates and all we had to do was get ourselves dressed and Pickle in the car.

Fast forward to arriving and it couldn’t have been more successful. It took us 5 hours and 45 minutes. Pickle was awake for an hour then went to sleep under her duvet we’d put over her. I fed her a continental style breakfast and she watched frozen and brave on the ipad at the back of my car seat, she was riveted and loved every minute. She was as good as gold.

Fast forward again when the folks arrived the next day and it resulted in one of the loveliest most wonderful holidays I’ve ever been on. We created so many memories and I took about 1000 photos, which I’ve still to go through, it was just magical. We saw everybody every day. Pickle took a while to settle in to the “normality” of it but once she had she loved every single minute of it.

She loved Mousehole Harbour beach, loved the sand and kept running away from the waters edge with a look of horror mixed with excited glee on her face.

We didn’t actually leave Mousehole that much, it was perfect. Only on the Thursday (the day before our return home) did we all venture out and we went to Praa Sands which is a fantastic beach. Big and wide, it felt safe and Pickle had so much fun. We also went to Porthcurno Bay while the folks went to visit the minack theatre.

The weather was amazing all week and we’ve all come home with tans and having put on a couple of pounds from all the pasties, ice cream and cream teas we kept eating!

We also came home with something else very special. On the Thursday, when we were at Praa Sands something very special was happening in a court a few hundred miles away. Pickle was being made legally a part of our family. She’d already been a part of our family and a huge part of everyone’s hearts for 9 months already but getting that email to say that it had all been finalised topped our holiday so perfectly.

So finally we’re officially a family and we couldn’t be happier.

The Eve of your Second birthday

Tuesday, May 6th, 2014

Tomorrow we will wish you, our beautiful daughter, a Happy 2nd Birthday!

Of course, for us, this is your first birthday and it feels very special and we’ve definitely celebrated in style so far. We threw a big birthday party for you on Sunday with 14 of your friends who you’ve met since being with us and you beamed every time someone turned up, you looked, realised, beamed and laughed and screamed in delight…. only getting as far as the driveway to open the next present you were given. It was a delight to see. That was nothing in comparison to how you greeted your PaPa though, my goodness! We all thought someone famous had turned up. You spotted him arriving and then you ran, squealing in delight, throwing your arms up as you ran and literally jumped in to his arms as he scooped you up for the longest cuddle, your head rested on his shoulder and your arms tight around his neck. It was magic!

There were 30 people at your party in total. All the people who have supported us along the way to finding you and since you moved in. The little friends you have made along the way who you see regularly and always have a lovely time with. The people who have grown to love you and care about you so much that they all turned up for your party to show you and us how much they adore you. Everyone was so proud of you that day, you were a star!

I’d organised a treasure hunt with chocolate money hidden around the garden which you were all fantastic at and found it really exciting. You were in your element at finding just 3 chocolates and plonked yourself down to open each one and enjoy it surrounded by other children still on the hunt for goodies. You, in your beautiful red party dress and little black shoes, with your beautiful curly hair blowing in the wind.

Grandma and Grandad had bought you a little table and chairs which has come in handy for all the play dough you received! And Nanny and PaPa bought you a sand and water tray table which you can’t get enough of!

And I made you a huge Iggle Piggle cake which I made from scratch (I thought I was mad…. but it worked!) and you loved it! But it was funny because I lit the candles and the wind blew them out! You screamed in delight when you saw it. We did a little speech together, you and me, and you even attempted a “thank you” at the end finishing by clunking your water bottle on my glass of bucks fizz and saying “Cheers”.

At 2 years old you never cease to amaze us and astound us. You are bright, sharp, clever, knowing, aware, funny, feisty. You are simply amazing and we are so incredibly proud of you. I can’t begin to tell you how much I love you. My lifelong saying has always been “things happen for a reason” and I believe that me and Daddy met to have you in our lives. We are so blessed to have you, you are the most precious and special person, ever.

We love you very much. Happy birthday my little poppet. Xxxx