Bad Feelings

I’m actually writing this on Wednesday 23rd because I felt so bad yesterday. And the day before.

It was a feeling I couldn’t shake. I felt low, isolated, sad, impatient, like I couldn’t do this any more and it scared me. I now realise that it was hormonal because I feel much better today, more patient and enjoying it again. But even though I feel better I think it’s important I write about it because other people will feel like this and think they can’t do it and feel like they’re not normal. Well it is normal and anyone telling you it isn’t needs shooting! One of the reasons I feel better is because, after the emotionally hard day, I had to go out to work at 6:00 once Daddy P got home and as I drove away I put the radio on and felt “free” again. I actually had a twinge of guilt about not feeling guilt that I was having “me” time! But I soon got over that when I arrived at my friends house who told me in no uncertain terms that everything I was feeling was normal.

The trouble with adoption and its process is that it makes you feel so isolated that sometimes you wonder whether it is the adoption process or just being a parent which makes you feel all these emotions. My friend made some very good points. The main one was that when you become a parent you don’t stop being the person you always have been; This hit me like a rocket! It wasn’t until she said it that I actually thought it and she’s right. When you adopt there’s a part of you (a big part) which feels like you have to become a different person. You are educated so much about attachment and trauma that you feel you’ve got to be this all singing all dancing perfect therapeutic parent 100% of the time. And, quite frankly, it’s exhausting! Anyone who says they do it all the time is either lying or, dare I say it, brain dead! I have another life other than that of a mother. I am a worker, a wife, a friend, a socialite (I love getting together with friends!) and I am ME!

I felt guilty about doing housework when she was up, I felt guilty about sitting down with a cup of tea while she played. Why? It sounds ludicrous when you type it out or talk to someone about it. What I’ve realised, having talked to my friend, is that it’s ok to still be you AND be a parent. It’s ok to enjoy having time away from your child and not feel guilty. It’s ok to want to discipline your child, say no to your child or even, heaven forbid, tell your child off. I always thought I’d be a chilled out, relaxed parent but with strict discipline and boundaries which I know makes children feel secure. I am getting there but I think the adoption process makes you feel like you can’t be the parent you want to be naturally. Sometimes it hinders even the best of our intentions. Maybe it’s just me, maybe all adoptive parents feel like that. But I do feel, because of the scrutiny that you have to undergo to become a parent it carries on way in to placement. But today I feel a lot more relaxed and I think it’s down to the conversation I had last night.

Simply put, everything I’m feeling is normal! 




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