“You don’t want a child who is too dependant on you”

This was said to me by someone after I’d tried to explain why it can only be the parents who look after a child when they move in, and for a good few months after that. This person even said she didn’t agree with what I was saying, adding “for a child to be too dependant on you is bad”.

I thought about this one, for quite a while, and then dismissed it having remembered that this person has, possibly, one of the most dysfunctional families I know.

It’s an odd thing to say at the best of times but even more so it points to the fact that people really don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to children, even less so about adoption.

My gut reaction said it all. I replied “my daughter will never be dependant on me, ever, if we don’t put the hard work in now to make her feel dependant on us”. Can you imagine forcing a child to be independent of you before they’re dependant? How cruel and unnecessary. A child, whatever age they are, needs to depend on their parent/s. Without that dependency who could they rely on? How can they feel safe, secure, loved?

Dependency must come before independency. That’s where the hard work comes in and that’s why we’re doing what we’re doing. I want to carry my child everywhere, I want to meet all her needs, I want her to be totally dependant on me. Then I can help her become independent with her knowing that we’ll always be there for her.

Then she can spread her wings and fly free.

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