Hitting the Wall

Today I hit a wall. A big, solid, hard, high, unmoving, psychological brick wall

Everything always seems to come at once doesn’t it. I woke up yesterday with a really sore throat having caught the cough and cold that Pickle’s had for several days. I felt awful. But it got worse today. I have no energy, my body feels weak, I am snappy and impatient and I had to call on my Dad to come and look after Pickle downstairs while I went to bed. It worked, a little. It doesn’t help that it’s the time of the month either and that Pickle, the little darling, has hit her wall too…..the wall of the terrible two’s I imagine.

I’ve never quite heard screaming like it. She starts off with a normal (but still very very loud) scream and then you hear the change, from somewhere deep inside, and it ramps up like I’ve got my hands around her throat and I’m about to murder her. Anyone listening in would think just that. It’s blood curdling, ear splitting, horrid and is very very annoying. Especially as it’s because I haven’t managed to get her food to her in 1 second or I’ve turned on the tv but it’s not *gasps* CBEEBies! Heaven forbid! She goes for it. Nobody would know, if they couldn’t see me, that I’m sat there, quietly holding a cup of tea, ignoring these rancid screams.

I seem to have reached the end of my tether with it all. I know I haven’t, deep down….deep, deep, deep down, in the pit of my stomach where I’m having to reach with all my might to muster the will and the strength to find any ounce of empathy/fun/joy to do with the life I am now living.

The unbearable truth is that, at this moment in time I feel resentful. I feel like I’ve given up my work, friends, lifestyle, money,identity…basically life as I knew it for a screaming, tantrumming little person who, at the moment, won’t cuddle, sit, snuggle, kiss, smile, laugh (unless it’s because she’s doing something she shouldn’t) and of course, I read that back and know it’s not true ALL the time. It’s just that I’m so immersed in it right now that I cannot see the beautiful smiling girl for the screams and tantrums. It’s hard.

And how dare I feel resentful. How much have we gone through to get where we are now? We should be rejoicing every day and celebrating every last drop of experience we have with Pickle. But, of course, that just assumes that someone who has given birth having got pregnant easily loves their child less than I love Pickle, which isn’t true.

I do love her, very much. But at the moment I’m struggling. I have said I don’t think I can do this, that I want to give up. But of course I’m saying this (and very aware of it) through the mist of PMT, a bad cold, terrible tantrums, a deep winter and people constantly questioning what we’re doing, how we’re doing it, why we’re doing it and disagreeing even if they know nothing about adoption (which is most). None of which helps in the knowledge that what we’ve done is HUGE. More huge than I’ve ever given it credit for. It’s mind blowingly boggling but life doesn’t stop and all of that piles on top. Then all of a sudden it’s like the ticking time bomb has exploded and you’re left thinking “what the fuck have we done”. There, I said it.

I can say this without an ounce of guilt because I have friends who gave birth to their children and have felt exactly the same. One friend in particular uses the phrase “dig deep” when she’s referring to bad times. And I like that. It works on both levels. It reminds me to do just that, dig deep. But it also reminds me that I’m human and other people, how ever their children arrive, feel exactly the same in those dark moments.

And then, like a soft glow in the dark gloom of depression (because, let’s face it people, I am depressed) a friend, a really really good friend helped me. I want to share with you what she said to me as I think it applies very well to most parents. And after she talked to me I felt better, calmer, less panicked. It’s always good to be honest, hence this post, because other people need to know that it’s normal to feel like this. You just need a little help to get through.

And remember, dig deep!

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