Housebound

I’ve been in for 3 days now, 3 long days.

I’ve not felt this rough in ages. I’ve woken up every day with a horribly sore throat and feel really weak. I’ve slept every day while Pickle naps in the afternoon and I’ve nearly slept on the sofa while she’s playing or watching the tv in the mornings. She knows things aren’t right which is why she’s playing up. I’m not right, I’m snappy and impatient and it’s not fair.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. The adoption process tells you, I’m no uncertain terms, that a child should not be looked after by anyone but you and your partner for quite a considerable time. But, now I’m ill, I’m realising how unrealistic this is. And, quite frankly, unfair. Not on me or my husband but on the child.

I’m not being fair to her at all. My patience is so low and I’ve so little tolerance that I’m giving her no leeway at all. And it’s only because I’m ill and we havent been out that I’m being like this. And, for the same reason, she’s been “difficult”.

She’s now 21 months. Anyone else with a 21 month old would probably have other people who they’d feel able to look after the child. The only people I have is my mum and dad at the moment and even then I don’t like to ask too much. Maybe any other child would go to a nursery or child minder. Not that I’d do that anyway but I’ve had no respite at all. And I’ve struggled. I’m struggling.

Being ill with a child is crap at the best of times. But being ill with a child you’re still creating attachments with, but you’re being impatient with and leaves you feeling ten times more guilt than your average person, is rubbish.

It’s made me feel even more sh*t than it would have done if I’d just left her with someone else for 3 days…but I’m not “allowed”.

It’s left me feeling more bereft than I would have if I’d asked for help. The trouble is I feel I can’t.

This process has sent me, quite literally, bonkers.

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