It Must Be Love, Love, Love

4 weeks earlier…….

We were out, Daddy P and I, for his birthday and I suddenly realised something….that I missed our daughter.

She was being looked after by Nanny and PaPa so I knew she was happy, safe, secure, loved and was having the time of her life so it wasn’t worry and it wasn’t anxiety so the feeling threw me. I always thought I missed her when I wasn’t with her but this felt different. I suddenly realised that what I had probably been feeling was actually attachment anxiety. That feeling of “am I doing the right thing by leaving her with anyone but me and Daddy P” and “what if I’m damaging the attachment between us we’ve worked so hard to achieve”? I’d always felt that tight knot in my chest as I left her with my mum and dad (the only people we ever leave her with apart from each other) not because of their capabilities but just intense attachment anxiety.

But while we sat having lunch and I said to Daddy P “I really miss Pickle being here” I knew in that moment that I loved her, that I’d do anything for her and that she was our daughter. It’s very very hard (in fact impossible) to say at the time “I don’t miss her” or “I don’t love her” because you think you do, and we did. We loved her from the moment we set eyes on her but it would be odd to say it was a deep love because, for most people, that just doesn’t happen. The guilt then that comes with that is profound and heartbreaking.

But here I was, in the middle of a restaurant wishing our daughter was with us, we missed her and she actually felt like our daughter. It was an amazing realisation and one that was quite mind blowing. And I felt happier than I had in a very long time. I felt more relaxed and more connected to her.

It’s hard to admit when things aren’t quite as expected at the time and, in fact you don’t admit it. But when the time comes that you suddenly realise you are totally and utterly and head over heels in love it hits you like a happy juggernaut out of nowhere, BOOM!

Love! Nothing more, nothing less, love is the best.

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