Musings at 13 weeks

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions 

It’s Thursday. Sunday was fantastic, a very positive day which I wrote about last. Monday was very odd as I thought, having had a really good day on Sunday, that I’d have another good one. I didn’t. I felt very low and Pickle was slightly difficult. I’ve come to the conclusion, as far as Monday is concerned, that both Pickle and I pine for Daddy P to be with us. We all had 8 and a half weeks together and I think that’s what we all miss, the 3 of us. But while Daddy P is at work with his mind taken off us (to a degree) we tend to wallow a bit. I need to put a stop to that.

Tuesday was very difficult. We got up and Pickle was not happy. Everything I was doing was wrong…that’s fine, it just gets wearing….and then we went swimming which was at 12:15. This went horribly wrong as the pool, for a second week running, was cold. I didn’t even bother to get Pickles feet wet. She gets cold very quickly so it wasn’t worth it so we got straight out and went home but she could tell the situation was wrong and, again, no matter what I did it wasn’t right. Once we got home I gave her lunch, which she didn’t eat, then put her to bed and I decided to go for a nap too, surprisingly sleeping for the 2 hours that Pickle did. I worked in the evening, didn’t get home into 22:00 so felt shattered!

Wednesday I went to my Mum and Dad’s and left Pickle with them for about 2 hours going off for lunch. By Wednesday, late afternoon, I felt dreadful. I felt down, miserable, low, teary, emotional and extremely sad but I couldn’t put my finger on it until I got home that evening after getting home from work at 21:00. I cried on the way home and I cried when I got home.

The big realisation came when I opened up and told Daddy P that I didn’t feel connected to Pickle as much as I wanted or expected to be at this stage. Thank goodness he wasn’t shocked. After only 13 weeks I’m expecting to be totally and utterly head over heels for another human being and it just doesn’t work like that. After thinking about it and talking it through with a couple of really good friends I realised that the process concentrates so fundamentally on the attachment of the child to you that it’s barely touched on, if at all, about you attaching to the child. It wasn’t until I thought this that it all started to make sense. You expect, as a new parent, to feel this overwhelming love for your child immediately. Even with a biological child that sometimes doesn’t happen. And as an adopter sometimes it does. But, for me, it’s beginning to look like it’s much more gradual. Pickle is adorable. We love her to bits, that is we feel awfully protective of her and we watch her like a hawk! I care about her deeply and feel like I want to wrap her up in cotton wool. Yet that deep seated love is yet to come. Is there something wrong? Absolutely not. It’s normal. It’d be very odd to fall head over heels in love with someone after such a short amount of time. Is it normal? Absolutely! I keep having to tell myself that.

I’ve also worked out that I need to fill my days. I’ve always been a busy person, working and seeing friends. I’ve done 13 weeks of not being “normal” and staying in far more than I’m used to. I’m now ready to spread my wings again and I feel confident that Pickle is ready to do the same. She loves socialising! She loves people and she thrives on that, she thrives on chatter and company and fun.

She’s just like her mum!¬†

 

 

 

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