Weathering the Storm

The deafening sound of writer’s block had got too loud for me and tonight it’s forced me back on to get things down in writing

After watching another (very good) adoption programme it reminded me of how important it is to write as much down as I possibly can for Pickle to read in the future. I’m writing her diary for her so she knows exactly when and how things happened and if I don’t keep that up how will I remember everything to tell her in the future. Stories are often lost from generations and Pickle’s story is too important to let go of and resign to the back of our memories where they may be, at some point, lost forever from her.

I’d stopped writing because things got so bad. I’m not going to go in to it on here. I was, initially. And a while back I started, several times, writing a blog about how bleak I felt but I just kept deleting it knowing that the instinct of not wanting to share should be listened to. All I’ll say on the matter is this; PMT, exacerbated by the change in our lives, post adoption depression and intense anxiety. That sums up January, February, March and a bit of April up and I want to forget it. I got help, the end.

I only managed to write about our first holiday in March because I knew how incredibly important it was to write it down while it was fresh in my mind. And we did have a wonderful time….but the anxiety was there all the time. Basically I was wrapping myself in knots and applying so much pressure on myself it had become unbearable and, quite frankly, emotionally unsustainable.

But 8 weeks ago that all started to change and I started feeling positive, happy, attached to Pickle, content, excited again and that something quite fundamental was happening.

I had started to love my daughter.

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